Emotional Flashbacks Symptoms | Why You Feel Small & Helpless
Hi Muses. If you're watching this, you might be wondering if what you (or someone you care about) has experienced qualifies as an emotional flashback. By the end of this video you'll understand the key signs and symptoms of emotional flashbacks, and why they have the power to make you feel so small and helpless.
Click below to watch the video, or read on for the full transcript.
But more importantly, regardless of whether or not your experience qualifies as an emotional flashback, if you are experiencing suffering, that matters. And I'm here for you. If you struggle with chronic or mental illness and are tired are feeling alone, this is the place for you to be. You're not alone anymore. Subscribe to my channel and hit the notification bell to be notified every Tuesday when I post a new video.
As someone with Complex PTSD (otherwise referred to as C-PTSD), I have extensive personal experience with emotional flashbacks.
(As a side note, I also have experience with the more commonly known and understood PTSD flashbacks because... Yay me. 🙃 I am also diagnosed with PTSD of the standard DSM-5 variety. But that's another video.)
In this video I'm gonna share with you the symptoms of C-PTSD and then also the specific symptoms of emotional flashbacks. And finally, I am going to relate those emotional flashback symptoms to my personal experience because they are often easier to understand in context, and it might be helpful for you to hear what I've experienced in relation to emotional flashbacks.
As described by Pete Walker in his wonderful book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," emotional flashbacks are one of the most common and prominent symptoms of Complex PTSD. If you haven't read this book before, I highly recommend it. I know it's really common in the trauma informed space to hear about the other wonderful book, "The Body Keeps the Score." However I feel like both of them are incredibly important to read. If you're gonna read one, please read the other.
In Pete Walker's book he describes C-PTSD as, "a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder." (Otherwise known as PTSD.) "It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety."
While I don't agree with the blanket statement that C-PTSD is more severe than PTSD, I do agree with the rest of the definition. And the reason why I don't agree with that one part is because both Complex PTSD and PTSD exist on their own spectrums of severity, and directly comparing one to the other is, A) you can't do it, and B) entirely unhelpful. Because all it does is devalues someone's direct experience of trauma if their symptoms are less severe than someone else's. And if you have experienced trauma, the amount of severity of your symptoms ultimately doesn't matter. You deserve help. You deserve to heal.
I know personally I have spent a lot of time in my life struggling with the amount of trauma I've experienced which, when I tell my full story - honestly overwhelms a lot of people. My current trauma informed therapist in my intake appointment diagnosed me with DSM-5 PTSD so quickly in the appointment it almost gave me whiplash.
But that doesn't mean someone with less trauma than myself is any less valid. Severity and validity do not go hand in hand. If you have experienced trauma, you are valid, your experience is valid, and you deserve the information and support you need to heal and move on.
So that was probably the shallowest dive ever into Complex PTSD. [CHUCKLES] But this video is about specifically emotional flashbacks. So let's move on to how Pete Walker describes emotional flashbacks in his book. - "Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of Cptsd. Survivors...are extremely susceptible to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike PTSD do not typically have a visual component. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts. It is important to state here that emotional flashbacks, like most things in life, are not all-or-none. Flashbacks can range in intensity from subtle to horrific. They can also vary in duration ranging from moments to weeks on end where they devolve into what many therapists call a regression."
Please comment below and let me know which part of that definition resonates with you the most, or was most surprising for you to hear. Thinking back to when I first learned about complex trauma and emotional flashbacks, the thing that stuck with me the most was that in an emotional flashback you essentially time travel, and you become the scared child that you were when you experienced the original trauma or traumas. You honestly feel like that small, helpless child all over again, and you're not making it up when you feel that way. Your mind and your body have time traveled back to the moment or moments when you experienced the original trauma, and understanding that was revolutionary for me. So, let me know in the comments which part of that definition blew your mind.
All right, so now let's go one-by-one through all of those symptoms of emotional flashbacks in a little more detail, and I'll tell you a little bit more about my personal experience with each of them.
Triggers
The first thing to understand is that emotional flashbacks are something that are triggered, as in you experience or see or hear something that triggers you into an emotional flashback.
It's an entirely separate video, but I just want to touch on a little bit how devalued the word "triggered" has become in modern day culture (especially here in the United States). So many people use that term in a very casual way, but for those of us who have a history of trauma, either PTSD or CPTSD (or both), when we say we've been triggered, we mean we have gone into either a flashback or we've gone into an emotional flashback. (Which this whole video is about. Right?)
So the first thing is emotional flashbacks are triggered, and usually it's by something that in some way relates to your original trauma.
With Complex PTSD, by definition, you have experienced chronic trauma, you've experienced multiple traumas. And for those of us who have experienced childhood abuse, the trauma is just never ending and there aren't any necessarily distinct events or memories associated with the trauma. It's just one large blur. (I say that, although there are some distinct memories that stick out in my mind.)
But ultimately complex trauma is also known as chronic trauma because of the recurring, compounding nature of it. And because of that, it can be really hard to be aware of all of your triggers. You might go through life and in your mid 30's or 40's encounter a trigger you didn't know existed for your nervous system, and you are suddenly thrown into an emotional flashback.
Understanding that it takes time and effort to learn what your triggers are will help you be more self compassionate as you work through this process. So I just wanted to say that before moving on.
Onset
Being triggered can be a very sudden experience.
Although, even though your body and nervous system and mind go into an emotional flashback, it might take time before you have the awareness that that's where you've been for hours. [CHUCKLES] The most recent time I experienced an emotional flashback I was actually hosting an episode of Nerdy West Coast Swing (which is my dance teaching channel that I host with my teaching partner).
We were just hosting an episode, having a grand old time, and then someone asked a question and the question was perfectly reasonable, perfectly benign, yet just simply how this person had constructed the question triggered me. And after we finished the episode I noticed I was NOT doing great, and it was only then that I realized, "Oh." I was triggered midway through the episode.
So it can be very sudden.
Duration
And then what's really important to understand is an emotional flashback can last a huge variety of different times, from a few moments, to a few weeks.
Ever since really learning and coming to understand my history of trauma, my longest flashbacks are maybe only a few days, but I know looking back in my history I used to experience them for weeks on end. They very much relate to my most severe periods of depression.
Severity
Emotional flashbacks also range in intensity or severity. You could have a minor one, and others are so severe they are literally debilitating, and all you're capable of is lying down and doing nothing, and either completely dissociating or completely falling apart (or alternating between the two rapidly). [AWKWARD NOISE]
In the example of the emotional flashback that I experienced while hosting that episode of Nerdy West Coast Swing, I'd say it was like on a scale of one to ten (ten being the most severe), that one for me was around a four or a five.
And actually... It's interesting now I think about it. The previous flashback I experienced was also related to hosting an episode, but it had nothing to do with what anybody said. And I actually don't know what triggered me, and that's part of why this can be so difficult, but...
Oh it was bad.
I was like a seven or an eight after that episode, and my toxic shame and inner critic (which we're gonna get to) was so bad. But at least I was able to be aware that I was in an emotional flashback and I was able to reach out for help. So I actually... [SIGH]
This is HUGE for me. I actually reached out to my teaching partner and was like, "Hey. I'm in a shitty head space. Did I do okay tonight?"
And she said, "Yeah. You were great as usual."
And I trust her to be honest with me. Like that's really important to that equation. But being able to reach out to her for that validation and not feeling guilty for it was really important and really healing.
[DEEP SIGH]
Okay.
Talking about emotional flashbacks have the ability to trigger me, and I'm not saying that lightly. I'm trying to be kind with myself as I talk to you about this really tough subject, and I don't want to get so triggered that I can't sleep tonight and I can't work tomorrow. So I'm gonna stop storytelling for a second and move onto the next symptom.
Okay, we've talked about triggers, we've talked about the timing of emotional flashbacks, and we've talked about the intensity. Now let's talk about the actual things that you feel (or can feel) during an emotional flashback.
Regression (Time Travel)
The first of which is that you regress, you time travel, back to the state you were in, both the age and the feelings you were having at the time you originally experienced the trauma. As Pete Walker says specifically, you tend to feel small, helpless, and hopeless.
So if you're someone with complex trauma and you experienced your complex trauma when you were a child, this is why you feel so small and helpless when you're experiencing an emotional flashback. Your mind, body, and nervous system are literally time travelling back to when you experienced the trauma in the first place. This explains why when you're in and emotional flashback you lose access to your adult knowledge and understanding and ability to make decisions and be aware. Because you have become your childhood self, and your childhood self wasn't an adult. They didn't deserve what they experienced, nor did they have the knowledge, tools, or capacity to deal with the experience in any sort of adult way.
I cannot emphasize that enough. When you are in an emotional flashback, especially if you have complex trauma from childhood, you're a kid again, and you need to offer yourself the same kind of self compassion that you would an innocent child.
And I realize that that is easier said than done, 'cause oftentimes when you're in an emotional flashback you're not aware you're in one. That's why in Pete Walker's thirteen steps to managing emotional flashbacks the first step is to gain awareness and to label it. 'Cause as soon as you are aware that you're experiencing an emotional flashback and you can label it as an emotional flashback, you are starting to gain back some of your adult power to manage your experience, and to heal, and feel better.
Feeling Small
Another thing about that feeling small and helpless, I want to talk a little bit about the feeling small part. Because I'm a really large person, and when I am in an emotional flashback I feel so physically small, and my body often actually physically collapses to reinforce that feeling of smallness. Because I feel like such a small child. Because that is what I have regressed to. And I just wanted to highlight that, because that can be a sign that you're experiencing an emotional flashback, that you're actually physically getting smaller and collapsing in on yourself.
Inner & Outer Critics
Another symptom of emotional flashbacks is that your inner critic and outer critic get a helluva lot worse.
For those of us with histories of trauma, our inner critics and our judgmental-ness just tends to be really shitty all the time. But once we're in an emotional flashback, our inner and outer critics get violent, and it can be incredibly overwhelming to experience.
After hosting that episode of Nerdy West Coast Swing I realized, "Oh. I'm in an emotional flashback." Even though I was able to label it and be aware of it, that in itself did not stop my inner critic from absolutely ripping me to shreds. It took me a long time to get up the guts to ask my teaching partner how I did. I'm really glad I got to that place. (I also asked my boyfriend for support.) And let me say: me asking for support? Big deal! [CHUCKLES] It's taken me a long time to get to this place where I am comfortable asking people I care about for emotional support.
So if you're not there yet, that's okay.
But my mind was just caught in this horrible spiral of beating myself up and ruminating on everything I said during that episode. Even if I said good things! I would be like, "That was terrible! That was stupid! Oh my god, everybody's gonna hate you! Why did you say that?! WHO? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!" I was just ripping myself to shreds and it was so overwhelming it became visceral, and I was actually experiencing the feelings in my chest and in my throat. And it didn't help that I was physically getting small 'cause that was adding mechanical constriction to the internal constriction, and just... [BLAH]
[DEEP SIGH]
Okay.
I was getting into a bad place again. I'm gonna take a moment and I'm gonna stop storytelling, and I'm going to...
[SIGH]
Gonna move onto the next symptom.
Out Of Proportion
The emotions and feelings you experience while in an emotional flashback tend to be incredibly overwhelming, and they often tend to not be in proportion to what triggered you. When you're triggered, often there can be an internal explosion of volatile emotions or an implosion of defeating emotions, and it can literally feel like the world is ending, or has already ended, when you're triggered.
Understanding that the severity of the trigger does not equate to the severity of the emotional flashback is really important, and it can also help you become more aware when you're in an emotional flashback. Because you'll be experiencing these overwhelming emotions and all you did was use the wrong pen, or all you did was host a normal episode, or someone just asked you a perfectly benign question.
Why did that trigger me so bad?!
[SIGH]
Anyways.
Feels
Now let's run through some of the actual emotions themselves. When you are in an emotional flashback... And again, this is not an exhaustive list because you end up time travelling back to the state you were in when you originally experienced the trauma, and depending on how unique your trauma experience was you might feel entirely different emotions than this, or they might be this list verbatim. So just remember that the primary symptom is time travel.
So, there's:
Fear
Shame
Toxic Shame
Alienation
Rage
Grief
Depression
Abandonment
Dissociation
If what you did to survive when you were a child was dissociate, and just completely disengage from your lived experience, you'll likely find yourself dissociating in present day as well.
Fight / Flight / Fawn
And lastly, you'll probably experience some form of activation of your fight, flight, or fawn response. That's the sympathetic nervous system kicking in to protect you. You either fight the threat, you run away from the threat, or you try to appease the threat so they are no longer threatening.
It was actually quite revelatory to me when I was first learning about complex trauma (and first read Pete Walker's book) that the fawn response exists at all. I had really only been familiar with fight or flight, but the fawn response is equally as relevant and important to understand because I was one of those kids that found safety (or some semblance of safety) from my abusers by pleasing them, by appeasing them, by doing "good things," by making them happy, by keeping them happy, by making sure I didn't do anything that could make them unhappy or angry. And that was the extent to which I could gain control over my situation.
It turned me into one of those kids where adults would say, "Wow! You're mature for your age!"
NEWSFLASH! That's a sign the child is being abused.
I was definitely a fawn dominant response child with a little bit of fight and flight mixed in, but I was predominantly a fawn response child. Which means in my adult life I tend to revert to a fawn response when I am sympathetically activated. I experience immense toxic shame because I am afraid of what I did to make this happen. (And by "this" I'm referring to whatever trigger, or whatever experience I'm having.) But I need to remember that I am time traveling to a time when I was actually helpless. And I never deserved the abuse I received.
I was a helpless, innocent child.
And being able to see that correlation now in my adult life as I'm moving through therapy and healing, has been really eye opening for me to see that I'm not just a people pleaser. I'm able to see really where that comes from, and how it really has saved my life in a lot of ways.
But now I can see how it's no longer helping me, because I no longer need that survival strategy and I can start making different choices slowly over time as I heal. Even though there are times when my mind and body still hijack me, and hurl me into an emotional flashback, and I lose my adult capacities. That still happens. That's probably still always gonna happen. But over time I'm gonna tip the scales in the favor of healing and have more power to choose how I respond to my personal experiences with trauma and emotional flashbacks.
Coping Mechanisms
And then the last symptoms I want to just touch on really quick: when you're in an emotional flashback, you tend to revert to more childish, simple, self-soothing techniques. So for instance food, watching a lot of TV... Whatever you did as a kid to self-soothe, you'll probably revert to that. Because again, you time travel in an emotional flashback. For me, I tend to want to dissociate with television or movies. By just depositing myself in a fictional story that is not my own I am able to leave my life for a time, and that's one of the things that I fall back on.
So... That was a lot for me. And if this is your first time learning about Complex PTSD or emotional flashbacks, it was probably a lot for you, too.
Please understand how non-trivial emotional flashbacks are. They are something to be taken very seriously. Please don't invalidate your experience, regardless of whether or not it is actually an emotional flashback or not, and regardless of its severity.
Whatever you are experiencing or have experienced, whatever the person you care about is experiencing or has experienced, it is valid.
And you deserve help, support, and healing.
It's important to know that if you are experiencing an emotional flashback, and you reach out for support, and whoever you reach out to invalidates you, and is not supportive, that has the power to re-traumatize you, and to set your trauma further into stone, as it were. So I urge you to be really careful with who you reach out to for support.
I highly recommend giving yourself a lot of self-compassion and rest after finishing this video, because I know that's what I need to do, and [CHUCKLES] as someone who is really familiar with this subject matter, if I need rest, I can pretty much guarantee you need rest after watching this video.
If you have any questions about emotional flashbacks or Complex PTSD, please leave them for me in the comments.
And if this video resonated with you, please subscribe to my channel, hit that like button, and share it with at least one other person. Because none of us have to be alone anymore.
And lastly, if you're interested in what I do as a coach, because my entire modus operandi is around helping people with chronic illness, mental illness, and trauma finally start living instead of just letting their lives pass them by. If you're interested in learning more about what I do, check out my free Masterclass on how to overcome procrastination and resistance. You can sign up to receive a copy of the replay for free simply by going to this link and signing up with your name and email.
I'll be back next week with another video.
Please, be good to yourself.
You deserve it.
Bye.
[OUTTAKES: Fizz do you want in? [MEOW!] Hi. Do you want to say hi to the nice YouTubes? Kayla says hi. Are you gonna make any noise? [MEOW!] Isn't she cute? [MEOW!] [KISS] [MEOW!!!] Oh no... [LAUGHS] Emotional fla- [PHLEGM, COUGHS] By the en- I can't annunciate. If you stru- [GURGLES, CLEARS THROAT] Same outtakes every time 'cause I make the same damn face. Where are the furs coming from? [RASPBERRY] CP- [BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH] Wonderful - [BLEH BLEH BLEH! CLEARS THROAT] Okay, so really quick funny story. Right when I needed to take a break from the storytelling because I was feeling... I was starting to feel triggered. The Litter Robot that we have started going off and I HAD to take like a three minute break from filming, otherwise you would hear it. So I got up. I went into the living room. I took a break. It was very nice. So I'm back now! [LAUGHS] Lose- [GROAN] Words. Do you want to leave now? You just screamed at me to get in!]