The Secret to Doing Inner Child Work

If you're struggling to get in touch with, or relate to, your inner child - let alone figure out how to reparent yourself - this is for you.

If you don't have an "aha" moment by the end of this video, I haven't done my job right.

Promise you'll stick through to the end though? Because this mindset shift requires two (2) important pieces of context for it to click.

Watch the video below, or read on for the full transcript.

If you are neurospicy or a spoonie and are looking to master yourself and your time in a compassionate way, this is the place for you to be.

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This topic came up recently on a group coaching call inside my signature course, The Action Navigator.

And what I shared was so profound for my clients that I knew I had to share it here on YouTube for you, too.

First, let's provide some context.

Why is getting in touch with and reparenting your inner child important?

The simple answer is that it will improve your relationship with yourself.

The complex answer involves a therapy model called Internal Family Systems, or "IFS" for short.

If you've ever heard the term "Parts Work" it was likely referencing Internal Family Systems.

The IFS model posits that every person is made up of different internal Parts.

These Parts include the inner child, inner critic, inner protector, and so on and so forth.

As a therapy model, IFS claims to help patients identify their various inner Parts and heal their relationship with and among them, as if their Parts were a family system.

Parts Work can be a profound way to heal from trauma, integrate your Parts, and develop a rich, rewarding, and meaningful relationship with your whole self.

It's a way to become whole.

And getting in touch with, and integrating, your inner child is a great place to start.

Through my own personal experience, and through my years of working with clients, however,

I've come to discover that it's all too common for people to struggle with getting in touch with their inner child at all - let alone begin the healing process of reparenting and integrating.

For me, it felt like a kind of dissociation where I could revisit childhood memories in my mind but it felt like watching them through a pane of glass.

I could see my inner child but I couldn't feel any sort of connection with them.

There was a distinct sense of "otherness" when viewing past versions of myself.

It felt like there was an insurmountable distance between us, a definitive sense of separation.

How do you relate to that?

I have found that for those of us who experience the separateness the strongest, it is the language we're using that's in part causing that rift.

If you're up for it, pause the video right now and comment below how you would describe the distance or separation between your present self and your inner child .. then come back and hit play.

According to Wikipedia, “Linguistic determinism is the concept that language and its structures limit and determine human knowledge or thought, as well as thought processes such as categorization, memory, and perception. The term implies that people's native languages will affect their thought process and therefore people will have different thought processes based on their mother tongues.”

If you've seen the movie "Arrival", starring Amy Adams, you've seen this concept in action. If you haven't seen it, it's a phenomenal movie and I highly recommend it by the way.

At this point, you may be asking, what on earth does linguistic determinism have to do with inner child work?

And my rebuttal is this: if we did not have the words "child" and "adult", would you perceive your younger self as fundamentally different from your present self?

... Still don't buy it? Let's take a closer look.

According to Wikipedia, “A child…is a human being between the stages of birth and puberty…. The legal definition of child generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority. Children generally have fewer rights and responsibilities than adults. They are classed as unable to make serious decisions.”

Now let's take a look at the definition of "adult".

“Biologically, an adult is an organism that has reached sexual maturity. In human context, the term adult has meanings associated with social and legal concepts. In contrast to a "minor", a legal adult is a person who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as independent, self-sufficient, and responsible. The typical age of attaining legal adulthood is 18, although definition may vary by legal rights, country, and psychological development.” - Wikipedia

If we were to remove the cultural expectations and assumptions from these definitions, what would we be left with?

A "child" is a human being between the stages of birth and puberty.

Biologically, an "adult" is an organism that has reached sexual maturity.

Those cultural connotations and expectations around what it means to become an "adult" are likely one of the things that's preventing you from getting in touch with your inner child.

And this stems purely from the language that we use ...

AKA linguistic determinism.

Now, allow me to propose a much more helpful set of definitions.

Let's start with the word "adult".

An "adult" equals you plus more memories and experience AKA development.

Why doesn't my definition include responsibility?

Because someone's circumstances, responsibilities, and especially their ability or inability to manage those things independently do not determine whether or not they're an adult.

If your instinct is to fight me on that, let me ask you this:

Is your internalized definition of adulthood simply independence?

Or, even worse, toxic independence?

The fact that the dictionary definition of adult includes independence and self-sufficiency is deeply ableist.

I can also easily argue that it's racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and fat phobic

because minority groups experience systemic oppression that makes it so much harder to survive - let alone achieve independence and self-sufficiency.

And don't get me started on the fact that it's naive to assume children don't experience responsibility, or that they don't carry heavy burdens...

because they can .. and they do ... A LOT.

In an ideal world, children would be free to be children a hundred percent (100%) of the time,

but unfortunately that's not the world we live in.

And if you're still here watching this, I bet you're like me and that you didn't really get to be a kid when you were a child.

If that's the case, I'm so so sorry.

You deserved a real childhood.

Okay, tirade over!

Back to our new definition of "adult" and "adult equals you plus more memories and experience AKA development".

So what does that mean for our definition of "child"?

A "child" is you plus less memories and experience AKA development.

Let me simplify that even more for you.

A "child" ... is you.

Your inner child is not separate from you.

Your inner child is simply you under different circumstances.

Whether that difference is small or vast, the common denominator is you.

You are your inner child.

It is so nice to meet you.

There you have it. How Internal Family Systems and linguistic determinism can combine to help you finally get in touch with your inner child.

If this video helped you have an "aha" moment, please tell me about it in the comments below.

Earlier, I mentioned that this topic came up recently inside my signature course, The Action Navigator.

It's packed to the brim with tools and techniques for mastering your time, getting organized, and offering yourself radical compassion as a neurospicy spoonie.

If that sounds like exactly what you've been looking for, use this link to book a Zoom call with me to learn more.

I can't wait to meet you and your inner child.

Check out this post next on my journaling technique to help you process big things because I have a feeling you might want to do that next.

If you liked this video, hit that Like button and subscribe and be sure to share it with your friends.

I'll be back in two (2) weeks with another video. See you then.

Bye.